Psychologist Alyona Al-As – on important steps to restore relationships
Adultery, betrayal of a partner is an extremely unpleasant event, but quite common, especially nowadays and in a society that is less and less burdened by the norms of traditional morality.
But not only society is changing, but our attitude to the betrayal of a partner is also changing: now it is not so much evidence of depravity, not a crime, but an indicator of the presence of problems in a couple.
In addition, many people, having cheated on their partner, sincerely regret this act and wish the earliest possible reconciliation, the restoration of trust. The latter is especially important. After all, the scandal is not so terrible as the lost trust. If your partner no longer trusts you, does not see you as a reliable companion, this is the first step towards the end of the relationship.
Is it possible to regain the trust of a partner after betrayal?
It is important to understand here that not only the cheated partner should think, “How can I start trusting again?”, But the cheater should make every effort, involvement, and tact in order to try to restore the partner’s trust. Of course, if the relationship is really valuable and cheating is an episode.
Very often, psychologists advise a couple faced with the betrayal of one or both partners, to sit down and talk over all the problems, to find out the reasons for such an act. This, of course, is very necessary and correct advice, but one must understand that only people with super-adequate thinking and outlook on life, with “iron nerves” are able to immediately begin such a discussion of problems, reminiscent of a psychological seminar. Most people react in a completely different way: first – shock, amazement, and then aggression, revenge, ignorance. Some urgently run to change themselves, so that “it is not offensive”, others – shout or even beat, others – ignore or “go to mom.” This is also a completely natural reaction. But then the question arises: how to live on.
And here it is advisable to move step by step if the couple still decided not to part.
The first step to restoring trust is admitting the fact of betrayal and abandoning the completely wrong line of making the other partner to blame for this betrayal. We admit that many sin with this, defend them by attacking, then hammer a nail into the lid of a relationship. You can say that there really were problems, but you cannot blame the second partner for the fact that it was he or his behavior that caused the betrayal. The stories of couples who have successfully lived through this traumatic experience can help.
The next stage is building such a line of behavior so that your partner starts to trust you again. It is worth showing increased attention, excluding “delays at work”, for a while – and meeting with friends or girlfriends, in general – any actions that show the absence of sincere regret about their misconduct. At the same time, you shouldn’t be humiliated before the second partner, ask for forgiveness on your knees and the like. This will not help restore trust in the least, but rather show you as a cynical person, an artist who is capable of any gestures just to get what you want.
A good attitude can heal any wound. And therefore, you will have to forget about claims to your partner about little earnings or unwashed dishes. Try to demonstrate maximum attention, maximum loyalty, do more good deeds, but at the same time so that you do not get the impression of a banal attempt to pay off: they say, you have an iPhone, and stop talking about it. This approach is only effective if your partner initially allows the possibility of turning a blind eye to infidelity in exchange for other benefits – money, good sex, social status, and so on.
It is also very important to show that the person with whom the betrayal occurred does not mean anything, he just appeared from nowhere and went nowhere. The most important proof of this will be a complete break with this person, and you must demonstrate a willingness to quit your job, and even change your place of residence if your other partner doubts that the meetings have stopped.
And one more thing: yes, cheating can happen in everyone’s life, and only your decision is to forgive or erase a person from your life.
If in your picture of the world cheating is absolutely unacceptable, you are experiencing severe emotional pain and are not a step closer to forgiveness, even over time, do not torture yourself. Because sometimes it’s easier to get sick after a breakup than to live in pain from betrayal all the time (if for you betrayal is about betrayal).